Friends through adversity give message of hope to bereaved parents
02.10.2025
Two friends, who bonded after losing their children, have explained how an annual memorial service helps them cope with their loss.
Jan Hughes, from Ruthin and Mair Spencer, from Denbigh, regularly attend the Little Stars Memorial Service together at St Asaph Cathedral. They both lost children almost 50 years ago, in 1976, but faithfully make the annual pilgrimage with each other, to remember the little ones they still cherish.
The Little Stars Memorial Service takes place in July every year and welcomes all parents who have lost a child. It is arranged by nursing, midwifery and chaplaincy staff from the Health Board. It gives parents and relatives a focal point, where they can remember those they lost- as well as share their experiences and memories with others.
Mair’s daughter Esyllt Gwawr was stillborn in 1976 and the pain of that still lives with her. As they were both in hospital around the same time, Jan and Mair have a shared bond and respect which endures to this day. Jan lost her son Ben to cot death in 1976. He was just 18 weeks old. She explained how, despite the passing of the years, it was important to have that time to remember him.
Jan said: “It is amazing to go because you're busy with everything, my children, my grandchildren, and that's the moment that you're close again to that little baby. It’s that little life.
“Mair and I just go together. It is very special. I would advise bereaved parents to go to it. I suppose it's being in the presence of so many people. It’s really about the comfort.”
Mair revealed how the service makes her feel a part of something, as she remembers Esyllt Gwawr. She said: “I cry when I’m there because I see the parents. I cry for them because I’ve been there.
“I feel a part of it, especially when they read the names out. At the time when you're there, it all feels like a family, we've just got something in common.”
Both women praised staff for attending the service and reflected on how the support given now is far superior to that available almost half a century ago. Mair explained how she felt when she lost Esyllt Gwawr.
She had been to the hospital because she hadn’t felt her baby kick that morning and received the shattering news the baby had suffered, what the doctors described as a “catastrophe” in the womb and was no longer alive. She was informed she would still have to give birth to her. With other children, she had to go back home and arrange for her father to come from Nefyn to look after them, before going into hospital for the birth.
She said: “When the baby was born, you know, she didn’t cry. They just took her out of the room and put me in a little room by myself.”
Mair was asked about burial plans and whether she had chosen a name for her baby. There were none of the memory-making facilities that exist now such as a 4Louie memory box, no pictures, no cast of her little hands or feet. She was even advised not to see Esyllt Gwawr and was given an x-ray of her daughter.
She added: “You can see, after all this time how raw it is. It still hurts. I know she was my little girl but you feel awful, you feel guilty. I can't explain it really but because it is much more dramatic if you haven't been able to hold your living baby. I have five other daughters but there’s always a gap.”
Jan also suffered feelings of guilt. She worried whether the delivery using forceps or something else had affected Ben.
She said: “You feel terrible guilt. The pathologist spoke to us soon after and he was lovely. He told us there was nothing wrong. He had a slight temperature, that’s it. I put him to bed and he died. It was very traumatic, incredibly so. He’d never been ill. He was a healthy baby.”
Jan trained as a counsellor and has supported other families who have lost a child. As part of the process of dealing with her grief she had Ben’s ashes scattered in the grounds of the chapel he was christened at just a few weeks before he died.
She added: “I didn’t want to do it. It was the undertaker. He was wonderful, to just spread his ashes there so that he was always in my heart.”
These wonderfully strong and compassionate women not only gain strength from the Little Stars Memorial Service, their presence also gives strength to others who attend. They urge parents who have suffered a bereavement to go. They’ll be there again, lighting a candle and remembering theirs and others’ loved ones next year.
For more information about our baby loss and bereavement services, please visit: Baby Loss and Bereavement Service - Betsi Cadwaladr University Health Board
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